Come Here, Baby

I know, I already spoke about Travis. But- I found out some information on him:

He is from Australia.
He has three brothers. *YES
He played football.
He is an oil painter.

SWOON.

I can't help it, he is a showpiece of perfection.

Talk about Calvin Klein OBSESSION!!!

My Heart Will Go On- Barbie GF

A Feast

Remember Travis Fimmel?

JESUS.

SPEECHLESS.

I WILL WALK ON NAILS TO HAVE A TASTE.

OMG.

I remember living in NY when this delicacy of a man showed up on a giant billboard on the corner of Houston Street and Broadway. He literally caused traffic accidents. I would bring an extra pair of panties with me if I knew I was going to be downtown that day. Because man oh man, Travis did it for me. Still does. Where did he go? Why would a Superhero YumYum disappear like that?! I have to find him. Not necessarily to make him my boyfriend, I'm back with the Traveling CEO, remember?! I would just like to have him pleasure me when I request. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Travis, oh sweet Travis,
Come to LA. We will ride bikes in Venice, eat at Dan Tana's and make sweet love to the sounds of R. Kelly.

In Love- Barbie GF

Coach-HELL NO!

I will NOT be attending this year's Coachella. I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I'm old. Maybe it's because I'm back with the Traveling CEO and I want to be a good woman. Maybe it's because Jem GF and I are on the SoberTrain. I don't know. All I know is that I will NOT be riding in that car with the Man-In-Black who chases Child Models and DKNY parties. I will NOT be listening to the Redhead Heiress Demon Seed talk about where Leo lives. Or if the Beckhams bought that house by Tom and Katie. What does she know? I'm the one that used to starfuck, I know where all those fools live. BOOYA!!

The Girlfriends and I were the biggest fans of Coachella. For YEARS. But I see it becoming very commercial. It's not cool anymore. When a hooker loving felon says he's going to Coachella, you gotta step back and think for a minute. HE WAS IN JAIL FOR 8 YEARS. WHAT DOES HE KNOW ABOUT 'MY MORNING JACKET'? Nan. Nothin'. Nada. Or when you find yourself bowing Heidi and Spencer in the ribcage to get a glimpse of Mastodon backstage, something is really wrong! Especially because they think they are there to see the Jonas Brothers!

Then Jem GF tells me that our friends, Club Poorman and Pineapple Express are going because quote, "Every hot chick I know is going, I gotta go to Coachella", it just solidifies my point. See where I'm coming from?!

So listen. If you're one that's heading to Indio with a pocket-full of Ecstasy, just remember this. You will come back with Herpes, a hangover, and will probably be a little pregnant.

Don't say I didn't warn you- Barbie GF

I Just Arrived at Temptation Island and Mickey Rourke is Waiting With a Margarita.

Let's talk about Mickey Rourke.

Past. Present. Future.

I would let this man do whatever he wanted to me. I don't care about the failed boxing career. I don't care about the botched plastic surgery. All I care about is doing a re-make of Wild Orchid and 9 1/2 Weeks.

This beautiful beast came into the lingerie store that I represent, for an appointment with yours truly. Not only did I pick out beautiful panties for his made up Russian girlfriend, HE ASKED ME TO TRY THEM ON!! I'm not joking. Mickey Rourke is like money. You never joke about money or MIckey Rourke. I turned down his request but not before telling him, "I'm not trying them on, but I will tell you this...I have them and they look amazing". The reason I didn't put the panties on for him was because I was so scared my 'excitement' would end up all over these treats and I would have to hand them back soaked in my MickeyRourkeLove. Sigh. *The whole work ethic thing went completely out the window.

After a day of flirty texting, I STILL said no to his request to take me out. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I MEAN, REALLY.

I've decided to write Mickey a letter on this blog. I'm hoping I still have a chance for him to make me crawl across the floor to pick up the dollar bills he's thrown at me.


Mickey,
We can begin this process of shooting these remakes whenever is convienent for you. Really. I will make sure I have the tan lines, strawberries, and a mask. I will try on every piece of lingerie your black heart desires. I will take Tylenol beforehand to make sure I can keep up with you, my Stallion.


Love-
Barbie Girlfriend

baby loves a cynic

I love this book. It is so fun for me.

"I used to think women who looked past my flaws were really cool women with brains," one of Los Angeles-based graphic artist Donny Miller's pictures broadcasts. "Now I think they're just desperate." And so establishes his tone. Miller's bright, pop illustrations, often of smiling men and women, belie other bon mots like "You are beautiful in every single way, except maybe one or two," "Let's tell each other our darkest secrets. Later, when things go bad, we can use them against each other," and "We think so much alike. Although, I have no idea what you're thinking." This year, Miller's work was collected into his first book, "Beautiful People With Beautiful Feelings" (Abrams, 2006).

I just want to tear out the pages and send them to everyone!

-JEM GF

LA can fuck up a zero-year old

While shopping today, I met the two most adorable 11-month old twins, kickin' in in a double stroller with their rockermom,

Their names were...wait, you had better sit down...

Valentine Megadeath and Violet Metallica.

Their rockermom proceeded to share with me how their asshole Dad was trying to sue for custody because Violet Metallica is the new baby starring on that doctor show "House", and he wants a piece of the money action. And this was especially awful news, on account of the babies born prematurely at one pound and two pounds, respectively and she has had to deal with all of their health problems. Sigh, this story sucks...

OF COURSE the one-pound baby, NOT-childstar got the Megadeath name.

LAme-jem gf

"you DESERVE the cocaine!"

I have a new therapist that I really like. This is really good news.

My last therapist was F.O.B. (fresh off the boat) from school and her native country where she didn't translate between languages very well. She was so sweet that I actually referred her to Disco Barbie when I decided that she was too new to treat me. Boy, was I right! This is a direct quote from our shared therapist:

"You know, you have hard life, you work hard, you survive,you live through many thing and so, at night...'Yes-I DESERVE to dance on the table! I DESERVE the cocaine!'"

Ummm, yeah, don't give me additional encouraging mantras for my bad behavior, therapist! I know you didn't mean it or mean harm, therapist, but you know how many times Disco Barbie and I have been holding each other up while dancing on tables chanting, in stereo, "YOU DESERVE THE COCAINNNNEEEE!" because of you...

NANbody deserves the cocaine-Jem