baby loves a cynic

I love this book. It is so fun for me.

"I used to think women who looked past my flaws were really cool women with brains," one of Los Angeles-based graphic artist Donny Miller's pictures broadcasts. "Now I think they're just desperate." And so establishes his tone. Miller's bright, pop illustrations, often of smiling men and women, belie other bon mots like "You are beautiful in every single way, except maybe one or two," "Let's tell each other our darkest secrets. Later, when things go bad, we can use them against each other," and "We think so much alike. Although, I have no idea what you're thinking." This year, Miller's work was collected into his first book, "Beautiful People With Beautiful Feelings" (Abrams, 2006).

I just want to tear out the pages and send them to everyone!

-JEM GF

LA can fuck up a zero-year old

While shopping today, I met the two most adorable 11-month old twins, kickin' in in a double stroller with their rockermom,

Their names were...wait, you had better sit down...

Valentine Megadeath and Violet Metallica.

Their rockermom proceeded to share with me how their asshole Dad was trying to sue for custody because Violet Metallica is the new baby starring on that doctor show "House", and he wants a piece of the money action. And this was especially awful news, on account of the babies born prematurely at one pound and two pounds, respectively and she has had to deal with all of their health problems. Sigh, this story sucks...

OF COURSE the one-pound baby, NOT-childstar got the Megadeath name.

LAme-jem gf

"you DESERVE the cocaine!"

I have a new therapist that I really like. This is really good news.

My last therapist was F.O.B. (fresh off the boat) from school and her native country where she didn't translate between languages very well. She was so sweet that I actually referred her to Disco Barbie when I decided that she was too new to treat me. Boy, was I right! This is a direct quote from our shared therapist:

"You know, you have hard life, you work hard, you survive,you live through many thing and so, at night...'Yes-I DESERVE to dance on the table! I DESERVE the cocaine!'"

Ummm, yeah, don't give me additional encouraging mantras for my bad behavior, therapist! I know you didn't mean it or mean harm, therapist, but you know how many times Disco Barbie and I have been holding each other up while dancing on tables chanting, in stereo, "YOU DESERVE THE COCAINNNNEEEE!" because of you...

NANbody deserves the cocaine-Jem

CHILD ATHLETE

I have been playing a new game called "cougtastic". It goes like this -"Pretend you are a fantastic cougar even though you are WAY TOO YOUNG to actually be one. If you date anyone younger than you, it can fall under cougtastic game category".

I had a very fun time pursuing the online Urban Dictionary for definitions of "cougar". If you are unclear, I will share:

1. A hot single woman in her 30s to 40s who is totally into sex but for whatever reason isn't in a relationship. She usually hunts young hard bodied males for fun, casual, no strings sex. She is sophisticated, in her sexual prime, and absolutely knows how to use her young prey to get sexed up and satisfied. Her libido rages almost constantly so she will need to hunt frequently.
Occasionally she will be so impressed and surprised by her young prey that she will be vulnerable to attachment.

2. An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.
"That cougar I met last night, showed me shit I didn't know existed, I'm goin back for more."

"Young guys at bar: What do we have to do to have a chance with a hot older woman?
Urban cougar: Be a great kisser, nice bed manners, eat pussy, and be able to go the distance - over and over."


This game started with a 22 year-old multimillionaire NFL linebacker. He bought a house down the street and stopped by for a neighborly visit. So, we painted our nails clear and chatted about our mutual adoration for indie-rock, NPR, and having fun.
When said child athlete found out about my career aspirations, he won the award for the most inquiries about what I do with my life other than be tall. For days on end, it was who, what, where, when about my job and goals. A CHILD ATHLETE asked me more questions about academia than ANY of my fiances. Really?!?!

For a minute, I thought this fuckin' kid has a promising future in my life and was different than your typical prey because he asked so many questions and had a successful career doing what he loved. Sadly, no.

He quickly became (one of many) thorns in my side. Guess what? "Off-season" (or whatever-the-fuck footballers call the time when they aren't playing games) is time to bug/harass/stalk your cougar girlfriend. Blaaaach. I have never been as smothered with attention as bad as when I decided to play cougtastic.

The surprises were super fun, but they were followed with :
24/7 requests to spend time together.
24/7 BUGGING me.
24/7 baffled that I need space.
24/7 "why?"
24/7 "Can i just come over and e@! your p*$$%? "
24/7 change Blackberry IM NAME to break-up sap w/my initials included, ev. 5 minutes*
(ex- "his name + i can't get over you nomatter how i try + my initials")
24/7 won't let up/won't take hint

My game backfired. Big time. And this is after TWO WEEKS, my friends. I am not a TOTAL ice queen/asshole/bitchface.

...It is like if i said, "Hey, let's play a game". And instead of "cougtastic", I said "Twister". And then, rather than spin the color wheel, you broke all of my limbs and every digit on my hands and feet.
Twister isn't a fun game, ANYMORE, because you DID it WRONG, YOU jiltedNFLlinebackerbrokenheartedmaniac for no reason.

And you had better leave my new boyfriend (child rocker) alone, O.J.- Jem


*must be noted that this is for HIS NINETY-THREE BBM friends to view